Hey guys, I just really needed to write this to vent. So you don't have to read this if you don't want to.
So I'm a freelance gardener now, right? It's everything I love. I'm out in nature, I work with plants, I take care of local gardens, and sometimes people approach me and ask if I'd be willing to do paid work in their gardens, too.
So I should be completely overjoyed. Believe me, there are days I feel over the top, and like I'm the happiest I've ever been in my entire life.
But then, there are days like today. And I can't understand it.
I feel like I am still worthless. "But you still don't have friends." "You've still never been loved." "Your job isn't a real 9-5, you'll never survive in this world. You're pathetic."
This reel happens over, and over again and sometimes it wakes me up in the middle of the night and I lose hours of sleep. I feel so heavy sometimes like it's hard to move and I just can't be bothered to eat or do anything. Then there are days I feel panic over things like this. "You don't have a normal 9-5. You're going to die." "You could never afford anything in your life."
It doesn't matter how much of an effort I'm making to improve my life. It feels like I'm always losing an uphill battle with my head. You would think this would at least ease depression and anxiety down, but it's.. It's still really bad sometimes.
I'm currently trying to think of things I can draw in the background until I have work to do again. But it's really hard to focus past all of the internal noise.
I feel like I'm reaching a crisis point today. I wish I had someone to talk to about it. But then the other half of me doesn't want to burden anyone.
So, I just settled for writing this and putting it out there. I needed to do something before things got worse.
Love you guys.